After 25 years as a matchmaker, I have a confession. I think a lot of modern dating advice is actually making people neurotic. Everywhere online people are being taught how to date like they’re entering a hostage negotiation. Clearly, dating advice is causing anxiety in women and men. Not to mention, more anxious.

Even the U.S. National Institutes of Health (NIH) has called it a “Public Health Concern”. See article.

Here’s some samples of what is being thrown at people seeking advice:

• Don’t text too soon.
• Wait three hours.
• Pull back your energy.
• Mirror their behavior.
• Stay mysterious.
• Never appear too interested.
• Be “high value.”
• Don’t let them think they have you.

At this point, half the population is trying to avoid looking emotionally available while secretly spiraling inside. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? People are analyzing response times like FBI agents.  (Yep! I’ve actually had a male client refuse to continue talking with a woman because she took a few hours to respond to a text)

It gets even crazier.  Some clients even screenshot conversations for group analysis. Then dating coaches tell them that vulnerability is weakness and that every interaction is some kind of power game. No wonder everyone’s nervous system is fried. I get fried just hearing about it from my clients!

One of the things I’ve noticed over the years is how many people have stopped showing up naturally in dating. I read comments online and wonder, are people looking for love or just trying to avoid rejection at all costs? And hey, I understand why people do it. Modern dating can be brutal.

And here are some of the biggest fears and what singles are encountering:

• Dating app fake profiles.
• Emotionally unavailable people.
• Mixed signals.
• People who text “good morning” and disappear for three days. (called “submarining”)

It makes people guarded and bitter. I also see that many people confuse emotional instability with chemistry. If someone is inconsistent, avoidant, confusing, hard to read, emotionally hot and cold, then suddenly they become “exciting”, could be a red flag.

Meanwhile, healthy people often get labeled as “boring” simply because they create emotional safety instead of adrenaline. Actually, that’s not love, that’s nervous system activation.

And after decades of watching relationships unfold, I can tell you that the healthiest relationships usually feel calmer than people expect. You’re not constantly wondering where you stand or trying to decode every text message like it’s an ancient prophecy.

Healthy love brings clarity not confusion. I also think the internet’s obsession with “high value” conversations is making people see each other like products instead of human beings. Everyone is ranking everyone now.

Terms like these are used way too often:

• High-value men.
• High-value women.
• Soft life femininity.
• Alpha energy.

Honestly, it starts sounding less like dating and more like livestock judging at a county fair. Human beings are not luxury handbags. Real intimacy is built through emotional safety, consistency, self-awareness, humor, kindness, chemistry and communication.

I think a lot of people are secretly craving permission to stop calculating every move, stop pretending not to care and stop turning dating into emotional chess.

After over two decades in the matchmaking world, I don’t think people need more tactics. I think they need more emotional honesty, self-awareness, better boundaries, healthier nervous systems, and fewer strangers on the internet teaching them how to manipulate each other.

Because at some point, someone must put down the dating rule book and act like a human being again.

We’re here to help. Let’s get started.

Dating Advice is Causing Anxiety in Women and Men