Let’s talk about something that comes up more often than you might think and could be sabotaging your dating life. Your first date seems like it went well but no second date. Marla Martenson, Los Angeles Matchmaker on why guys aren’t getting a second date.

Talking more than you listen.

Recently, we had a wonderful male client in his early 40s, smart, successful and engaging. On paper, he was the total package. But after three first dates with high-quality women, we heard the same feedback:

“Marla, he was attractive, he chose a great restaurant, etc. but… he talked about himself the ENTIRE time. I barely got a word in, for two hours!”

Not in a rude or arrogant way, he was genuinely enthusiastic, passionate about his work and interests. But in his effort to impress, he forgot the one thing that builds real connection: mutual exchange.

The fact that all three women had the same feedback, was enough to see that this was a definite pattern. I gave him some coaching, just some simple tweaks, and he was able to adjust and start dating a woman exclusively.

Why This Happens (Especially with High-Achieving Men)

When you’re used to leading conversations in business or being “on” in social settings, it’s easy to fall into the trap of performing rather than connecting. You may feel pressure to showcase your success, prove your value, or keep the conversation flowing. This will unintentionally turn the date into a monologue.

Conversation is called an “art” for a reason. A man who needs to constantly talk about himself, his money, or the expensive cars he owns is usually trying to establish value. But attraction is rarely built through a résumé.

People are drawn to how someone makes them feel. A woman may briefly notice status or success, but what stays with her is the feeling she had sitting across from you.

Some of the feelings can be:

• Did she feel relaxed?
• Is he interesting?
• Does she feel safe?
• Does she feel desired?
• Does she feel free to be herself?

That’s what creates connection. A man who is secure in himself doesn’t need to constantly advertise his worth. He can slow down. Observe. Stay present. That’s where the art comes in.

And some of the most attractive moments between a man and a woman happen in the pauses. Things like eye contact or even silence that doesn’t feel uncomfortable because neither person is trying too hard.

Masculine energy at its best can be calm, attentive and intentional.

How to Know If You’re Over-Talking on Dates:

• You leave the date unsure of what your date does, loves, or values.
• You “carry” the conversation but don’t remember asking many questions.
• You feel like you were in presentation mode instead of relaxed conversation.
• You find yourself telling long stories without checking in for their reaction.

What To Do Instead: The Art of Intentional Listening

1. Ask with Curiosity. Instead of defaulting to your go-to stories, lean into their world. Ask what lights them up, what they’re passionate about, or what they’re most excited for this year.
2. Match Energy. If they’re quieter, give space. If they’re talkative, ride the wave. A great conversation is a rhythm.
3. Use the 50/50 Rule. Aim for an even balance of sharing and listening. You don’t have to time it—but be mindful if you’ve dominated the conversation.
4. Reflect, Don’t Redirect. When they share something meaningful, respond with interest. Ask follow-ups. Resist the urge to jump into your own version of the story right away. It makes me think of a male friend who turns everything I share and relates it back to him and his life, and off he goes! Honestly, it makes me not want to share at all.

Just remember, if you’re serious about building a real relationship, the goal isn’t to impress, it’s to connect. And connection begins with listening.

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Los Angeles Matchmaker on Why Guys Aren’t Getting a Second Date